i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
