So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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