The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
