i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
