my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
