So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
