when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
