Those balls look pretty dangerous.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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