I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
