Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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