party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
