"it" just moved
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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