FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
