I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
