I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
