True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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