So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
