i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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