Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
