My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
