giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
