I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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