I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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