I am in a vortex of obligation.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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