actually, I'm a sock model
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
