so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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