im six kinds of drunk right now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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