And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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