You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
