The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
