shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
