can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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