I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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