I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
