It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
