sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I need a beard to bite.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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