Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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