I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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