If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
