I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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