i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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