From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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