Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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