so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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