Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
