I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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