I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
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If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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