Where did you get a picture of my penis
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
