so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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