I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
