There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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