Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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