where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
