last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
