I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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