Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
