i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
